Mixed bag

I just realized that last Saturday was the first time since Kelly died that I didn't focus, didn't obsess about another month passing. I still thought about her on Saturday as there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, but for once I didn't spend the entire day or the week leading up to it feeling sad. Saturday marked 10 months. I never dotted the I or crossed the T. That was the first time. A new milestone in this process.

When I realized that, I felt guilty. Was I being disloyal?

I don't want to let go of those feelings. I don't want to forget.

I think I have moved into a different stage of grieving right now. I think I am spending more time in the anger and bargaining stage. There is no clear progression to grief. I can feel angry and then immediately have feelings of emptiness, despair.

I went to church on Sunday and I couldn't pray. I felt angry and overwhelmed. My heart feels as if it is closing.

Kelly, Laiken, Patti, Dante.

I prayed for all of them, I know so many others had as well. I don't pretend to understand this, I can't.

Up and down, back and forth, confused, angry, hurt, sad, hopeful, grateful.

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