Monday, January 19, 2009

Mixed bag

I just realized that last Saturday was the first time since Kelly died that I didn't focus, didn't obsess about another month passing. I still thought about her on Saturday as there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about her, but for once I didn't spend the entire day or the week leading up to it feeling sad. Saturday marked 10 months. I never dotted the I or crossed the T. That was the first time. A new milestone in this process.

When I realized that, I felt guilty. Was I being disloyal?

I don't want to let go of those feelings. I don't want to forget.

I think I have moved into a different stage of grieving right now. I think I am spending more time in the anger and bargaining stage. There is no clear progression to grief. I can feel angry and then immediately have feelings of emptiness, despair.

I went to church on Sunday and I couldn't pray. I felt angry and overwhelmed. My heart feels as if it is closing.

Kelly, Laiken, Patti, Dante.

I prayed for all of them, I know so many others had as well. I don't pretend to understand this, I can't.

Up and down, back and forth, confused, angry, hurt, sad, hopeful, grateful.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, Ross...

    I'm so pleased that you got to the place where that day came and you couldn't put your finger on it...

    You're not being disloyal at all. You know Kelly would want you out there living life... Joyfully.

    Living life with glee is what Kelly would want for you. It's your job to actually do that now.

    So much Love and Light coming your way, Ross!!! Especially in these moments when I read your words that seem to speak directly to me on so may levels.

    You're not alone, my friend.