Showing posts with label Kelly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Kelly. Show all posts

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Thinking of Kelly on her birthday


Dear Kelly,

Another year has come and gone, another year of missing you.

Eleven years ago I ran my ninth marathon on your sweet sixteenth birthday.

Today I "ran" a one mile race.  I thought of you while I ran like I have so many times over the years.

Tonight I donated platelets in honor of your twenty seventh birthday.

Some things have changed over the years.

Missing you and wishing things were different have not.

Cutting the cake-2002 

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

Thinking of Kelly


Seven years ago today Kelly passed away from her almost twelve year battle with Leukemia. How can that be, and how cruel is it that each year we are left to wonder, what might have been, could things be different for her now, would there be or is there now another treatment that could have saved her life, something that would have let her live a life without cancer? 

I still don't understand any of this, there will never be any words that I can write that would make sense of it, so I don't know why I would try again. There are no words, nothing at all that will wash away the hurt of this world without her, a world with blood cancer, a world without Kelly being able to live in it free from cancer,

I wonder what Kelly would be doing today. Would she be running a day care, would she have a husband, where would she be living? Would she have started a family, adopting children to love? All of these unanswerable questions, we will never know, none of us will ever be able to answer.  I wonder what would she look like now, what color would her hair be, would her eyes sparkle like they did on prom weekend in 2006, what would she be interested in, what would be the thing that makes her heart leap? 

Questions, questions, so many questions, and none that I can answer.  Who would she have chosen to love, to spend her life with?  Who is that man that will never receive such a gift?  How is his life different, because he didn't get to know Kelly, how was his life forever changed by her passing? 

I so miss her sweet smile that would light up a room.  A smile that cancer took away from us in this world, a smile that lives on in our hearts a smile tucked closely to our hearts in a place that cancer can never reach into. Yes, a place where her smile lives and lives forever.

Gavin, Kelly and Marcy


Monday, March 17, 2014

Thoughts about Kelly

Six years.

It has been six years now since Kelly's Dad called me to tell me that Kelly had died.

Kelly has been in my thoughts a lot this last week.

I went back and reread many of the posts from Kelly's CaringBridge page during her last month.

It has been six years and it was like stepping back into yesterday.

I cried, I felt sad.  I felt inspired, grateful for her life, for the love she brought to my life.

My wife, Sue who is so much wiser then me has told me for years, that I perhaps I missed the biggest gift that Kelly gave to all of us that knew her.

Gratitude.

Choosing to be grateful in spite of her circumstances.

Kelly chose her life, which meant choosing her cancer for everything that is was.

Adam rented a movie for us to watch last night, About Time.

I loved this line from the movie.

"I just try to live every day as if I've deliberately come back to this one day to enjoy it as it is was the final day of my extraordinary life."

Here's to Kelly.

“The lamp has not been quenched, it’s just that the dawn has arrived”~Irish Proverb

Kelly, Marcy, Molly, Adam and Rose, Disneyland 2001






Monday, March 3, 2014

Dreaming of Kelly

I had the most amazing dream the other night.

I was in a room full of people, I don't know who they were.

Kelly walked into this room.  Kelly was 25 years old in my dream.  She looked amazing.

I ran over and hugged her and fell into her arms crying.

"Why are you crying?", she asked me in wonderment.

"I am so happy to see you", I told her.

I looked around the room for a familiar face, for the people who would know, who would understand what Kelly meant to me.

There was no one in the room with me who knew who Kelly was for me.  I so wanted to find someone and tell them this is Kelly.

The alarm went off on Sue's I-phone.  I couldn't get back to my dream.

What did this dream mean?  I haven't had a dream about Kelly in such a long time and in this dream she was alive, vibrant.  This was the Kelly I knew while she was alive.

The last month since I have been home from Austin has been very difficult for me.  I am dealing with the aftermath of a blood clot in my left leg.  I have felt discouraged after completing the web training in Austin.  I have felt sad, lonely.

Kelly has always known when I most need her and even now she found a way to reach out to me, to touch and comfort me beyond the portals of time.

In love and gratitude for Kelly Melissa Sandra Grubb.






Wednesday, September 18, 2013

144 dollars in 144 hours

Raise $144 in 144 Hours (6 Days)
Raise $144 in 144 hours, Wednesday, September 18, 2013, at 12:00pm (Noon) and will end on Tuesday, September 24, 2013 at12:00pm (Noon)!


Why raise $144? Every four minutes someone is diagnosed with blood cancer and every 10 minutes someone dies from blood cancer. 

In 24 hours 360 people will be diagnosed with a form of blood cancer.    In 24 hours 144 people lose their lives to blood cancers. Dedicate a day in support of blood cancer awareness month and donate a dollar or whatever you feel moved to in honor of every life lost.

As Jack Bauer would say "We are running out of time." 

If all registered Light the Night participants in the Rocky Mountain chapter raise $144 in 144 hours that means another  $332,496.00 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society bringing us closer to funding vital life saving research and providing patient services. Together we can hit our $1.1 million dollar goal for this year's Colorado Light The Night Walks and come closer to finding cures!

So that could be 1 person that donates 144.00
                         2 people donating        72.00
                         3 people donating        48.00
                         4 people donating        36.00
                         6 people donating        24.00
                         8 people donating        18.00
                       12 people donating        12.00
                       16 people donating          9.00
                       18 people donating          8.00
                       24 people donating          6,00
                       36 people donating          4.00
                       48 people donating          3.00
                       72 people donating          2.00
                     144 people donating          1.00

Who will you be in this fight against blood cancer?   1 or 1, 1 of 144, 1 of ...  Every dollar counts.  Your contribution brings us closer to the day that we can live in a world without blood cancer.  

You can donate here by clicking on my Light the Night page. 

Thanks in advance for your contribution and know that you are providing support and hope to everyone that is touched in this battle. 

With love for Kelly and Laiken and Melina and so many others, too many others. 

I walk with a gold balloon to remember and honor my angels







Tuesday, July 30, 2013


Kelly, Abby and Eeyore



Relay for Life is this Friday in Cut Bank, Montana.  Kelly's Aunt Linda made this luminary for me for the event this week.

Aunt Linda sent me this to me yesterday, oh how my heart soared and ached when I saw Kelly.

It has been over five years since Kelly passed.  I still miss her every day.

I am forever grateful for the nine years I was able to run for her, to spend time with her, to be inspired by who she was for me.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Behind the Mask with Cassandra Perkins

I had the honor last week of being a guest on Cassandra Perkins radio show(Behind the Mask)  last week along with an all star cast of guests,  Woody Roseland, Brittany Ross and Christa Black.



It was my first time on the radio.   I was a bit nervous at the start, but once we got going I had a great time.

Cassie's first guest was Woody Roseland who is a five time cancer survivor, stand up comedian and inspirational speaker who is currently running for Man of the Year for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.

Woody lost his leg to bone cancer and he has not let that stop him or define him. You are not your cancer!   He rides his bike across the country in an effort to raise money for cancer research.

Brittany Ross shared her story of being diagnosed with A.M.L at the age of 15 and was given three weeks to live.  Brittany is now 28 and will be getting married in September of this year.

Christa Black shared a very powerful story. You can read more about Christa by clicking here. 

What was really cool about the radio show, was every speaker shared a story of hope.

If you are interested you can listen to the  entire podcast by clicking here.    Be sure and check out Cassie's show and follow this young woman who continues to inspire me as she makes a difference in the world.

I love this young woman for who she is in the world, for what she stands for. She is a champion of hope.

Check out Cassie's Tedx talk she gave last year. WOW!!!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Dear Kelly


Dear Kelly, 

There are no words for a bit of this.
Five years ago today
I fell into the arms of a friend at work
and cried, unashamed because you were gone
running afterwards in the snow as I wept
It might have been otherwise...

Yet, I have so much to be grateful for
I became a runner
I started writing
I found a cause greater than myself.
It might have been otherwise.

I became a Christian because of you three years ago today.
I know we will be together again.
It might have been otherwise.

I whisper your name each night before I fall asleep
I tell you I love you.
That will never be otherwise....

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Happy Birthday Kelly

Dear Kelly,

I got this for you on your birthday.  I always had so much fun buying Eeyore items for your collection.

For Kelly on her 24th birthday


Sue and I were talking last night about the marathon we ran for you on your 16th birthday.  It is hard to believe that it has been eight years.  That was Sue's first marathon and it was my 9th marathon on the 9th.


You have been on my mind a lot lately and in fact we have been spending a lot of time together during my mediation practice.  When I inhale, I say your name silently and when I exhale, I say the word love.  Kelly and love.  The words belong together.  

I am so grateful for all that you have brought to my life.  I so miss your sweet smile and long to hear your voice again.  In my heart, my love for you burns brightly. 

Happy Birthday Kelly.  I love you, always and forever.  



Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Small Kindness Blogsplash


Kindness is a Very Good Thing. Even teensy compassionate acts help the world go round. Let's celebrate these Small Kindnesses.

Fiona Robyn's  novel 'Small Kindnesses' will be free on Tuesday the 27th, and people around the globe will be writing about our own small kindness on our blogs or elsewhere - will you join and and help spread your kindness with the world?

Click here to get a free copy of Fiona's book today on Amazon. 

Thanks for Fiona and Kaspa from Writing our Way Home for creating this event for a world that needs more kindness. 

My kindness story begins with my decision to run a marathon for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in 1999.  It was a decision that has greatly influenced and changed the course of my life. 

There are many stories of kindness that are weaved into the fabric of my journey and of course it starts with Kelly and there is so much more to this story of kindness. 

This was part of a slow awakening for me and looking back now it was the beginning of a yearning I had to be more, to love more.  The climb up the corporate ladder had lost it luster for me.  There had to be more.  Someone had told me years ago, that everyone needs a purpose larger that is larger than yourself. 

I found a new purpose through Kelly's battle with Leukemia and along the way, I reconnected with my family and became part of Kelly's family. 

This was a kindness I had never experienced before.  Kelly and her family(Don, Patty, Marci, Molly, Rose, Aunt Linda and Uncle Bill) opened their hearts, homes and lives to me.

I was embraced by this amazing, loving family.  Their love has been such a blessing in my life. 

The day I got back to Colorado after laying Kelly to rest, I was blessed to make a new friend who reached out to comfort me after reading about Kelly's passing.  I finally had the honor of meeting Shayna in person last summer after corresponding for four years. 



When Laura and I were training for the Paris marathon in 2011, I reached out to Kim Mailhot, aka the Rock Fairy to ask about having her make one hundred rocks that we could give as a keepsake to those who donated to our fund raising efforts for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.  To my utter amazement Kim donated her time and talent in making these for us.  The following year I asked Kim if she could make 1,000 rocks to help with another fundraising campaign and again Kim donated her time and talents with a help of a few other fairies.  You can read more about the Rock Fairy by clicking here. 

Blood Cancer Freedom Fighter Rocks
Late last year, I reached out to a friend of mine and asked her to run as a Woman of the year candidate for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. Cassi reminds me a lot of Kelly in the way she lives her life.  She is a very kind and loving person.  Oh and Cassi ran for Woman of the Year when she was 15 years old!


Cassie with Taylor and Jack at Grand Finale
I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge my children Laura and Adam for the ongoing kindness they bring to me every day, and my wife Sue  for the last 30 years of the kindness she has brought to my life.  I know her single wish for me is to be happy and she has patiently planted and nurtured that seed with love in only the way that she can in this incredibly journey.  



A family of runners in San Francisco 
So on this day of the kindness blog splash I send my thanks to each of you that have shared your kindness and touched my life, opened my eyes and my heart. 

In love and gratitude. 
  

Friday, August 24, 2012

Being Present

Oh how I love to watch this story unfold.

Falling in love, finding love.

This story began earlier this year as I was participating in an online writing class.

It began with a simple post from another participant commenting that she was being "Dunzied"(distracted) by a small dog that had been abandoned in Lodi, California.

I watched in amazement as the power of community unfolded to transport Bella from California to Vancouver, Canada to begin her new life.

Art was even imitating life.  Hollywood was making a movie called Finding Bella.



Please take the time to read about how Jenn and BellyBelle, the magical dog found each other and found love by clicking here. 

I particularly love this passage from her post:

"You know that feeling when you’re holding someone you love so deeply and you don’t want the moment to pass, ever, even though your leg may be falling asleep and your lower back is screaming? Yes, that feeling."


This moment occurred for me on July 8, 2001 at the finish line of the Calgary Marathon.  I was able to hug my dear friend Kelly after running 26.2 miles in her honor. It was a stolen moment, a moment we weren't supposed to have.  Her doctors had given up on her in January.  She wasn't expected to live that long. Kelly had a different idea.  She wasn't ready to give up.

I leaned over to hug her and I held her and I held her and I held her.  I have no idea how long I hugged her for.  I did not want the moment to pass.  We never said a word to each other as we embraced.  I knew I would start crying if I did.  It was a perfect moment, a healing moment in my life.  I was completely present with this person that I loved so deeply.  I still get goosebumps when I think about that precious moment we shared.   I will treasure that memory for the rest of my life.

Go give that person, your special someone that you love deeply a hug. let your leg fall asleep and let your lower back scream for you to stop.

Then don't stop.  Keep holding on, deeply, fully with all that you have.





Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Light and Love and meeting a friend

I finally got to meet one of my favorite people in the world last week. A special friend, a special person.

Our paths almost crossed in London a year ago.  We both saw Les Miserables, one night apart.  We were both in the London Theater district for two nights, different plays, different theater's. Over 5,000 miles from home and we were probably one minute, one turn from bumping into each other.

We didn't realize we were both in London until after I left for Paris.

A friendship that began when my friend clicked on a link written by another friend about Kelly's passing at the age of 19.

Kelly with her transplant donor, Emily.  February 2008.
She  wrote my friend to get my e-mail address.  She wrote to ask me if she could wear Kelly's name on the back of her Team in Training jersey for a marathon she would run in October.  I found her e-mail in my inbox the morning we got home from Cut Bank, after laying Kelly to rest. 

We became good friends, sharing a bond of love for our team heroes, our angels.  Shared a dream of a world without blood cancer.

Shayna and Cathie at Team In Training Inspiration Dinner

Shayna's team hero Laiken passed away 37 days after Kelly at the age of 13.



Kelly and Laiken are our connectors.

The tag line at the end of every post  on my blog ends with Light and Love x 19 x forever.  Light and Love is Shayna's tag line. I borrowed it.

When we write to each other, we end with Light and Love x 13 or Light and Love x 19,  always end with Light and Love for Laiken and Kelly, for each other.

We have been waiting over four years to be able to hug each other.  Shanya was on an epic road trip with her son, California to Chicago and points beyond.  Denver was one of their stops.  She took the time to call me.

I can't describe the what I felt when as we were finally able embrace.  It was worth the wait, a hug filled with tears and laughter.

We talked for almost two hours.  I savored every moment, not wanting to say good-bye.



Thank you Shayna for your friendship and the love and light you bring to my life x 13 x 19 x forever!




Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Slaying the Dragon

I attended a breaking through fear workshop last weekend.  80 people took a leap of faith, made commitments to break through their fears, to be done, to walk to the person they were born to be.

The first speaker of the day, Aaron Huey totally rocked the room and set the tone for the day, for the entire weekend.  Aaron walked away from a life of addiction and now lives a life of service running a program for for teenage boys  that are dealing with substance abuse. "You have to be done, really be done with something before you can create something new."   He asked us again and again, "Are you done?"   "Are you really done?" We would all respond, yes.  We are are done.  Aaron would reply, "We'll see, we'll see.

One of the exercises we did on the first day was on the three C's.  Confidence, Courage, Commitment.  For each word on a scale from 1-10, rate where you are.  My word was confidence. Whichever word was ranked the lowest we we then gathered in a circle with a group of people that had also chosen that word.

We were given instructions to look each person that was in the circle in the eye and say "I will ---."  They are to respond "Yes, you will." and then we are to respond with "Thank you, I will."

There were about 15 people in my circle and just like so many times in my life, I found myself to be that last person to share.  I hoped no one would notice that I hadn't shared. I tried to shrink and make myself invisible.    I am a very good ghost.   It is my winning hand....


I stepped out into the circle.  I made eye contact.  I made my declaration.

"I will be unstoppable in my efforts to help create a world without blood cancers."  15 times, I made eye contact, shared my commitment.  15 times the other people in the group affirmed my commitment.  "Yes, you will.".   "Thank you, I will", I echoed back.

At the end of the first day, we all broke boards.  Smashing through fear.  Smashing through something that we wanted to leave behind.  What was it costing us?  I declared I was done.  I broke the board.  Am I done?  We'll see....




At the end of the second day we walked on fire, a bed of coals.  Fifteen feet, 1,250 degrees.  Leaving behind what we said we were done with, walking towards something.

Slaying the dragon.  The dragon that takes me out of the game, the dragon that keeps me small.   The dragon whose sole purpose and existence is based on his survival.  The dragon who also exists to serve and protect, to keep me safe.  Is the dragon a monster or a friend?

In preparation for the fire walk we were asked to write a letter to what we were done with.  What had it cost me?  What had it cost the world?  What was the payoff?  What had I gained from it?

What would I leave behind and walk towards?  We were given a couple of minutes to write.  We then walked to the fire where we were told to crumple our letters, hold onto them and then throw them into the fire and watch the letter ignite and then walk away.



Back to the room we went for our final instructions.  There was talk about creating a state change, having a power move, an anchor.

State your name, what you are done with and what you are walking towards.  Once the declaration was invoked in a powerful way the sentinel's at the start of the fire walk would lower their arms and we would walk begin to walk on fire.  Fifteen feet to be done with whatever we were leaving behind, fifteen feet to walk with purpose and intention to something else.

I ran over to my car before getting in the line.  I knew what my anchor's were.  I knew I would feel grounded.  I would be safe.  I knew who I wanted to share this journey with me as I left behind what I was done with and walked towards what I want to embrace in my life.

I waited my turn.  I felt incredibly calm, grounded.  I knew I could do this and I was unafraid.  I have run 17 marathons.  How hard could it be to walk fifteen feet?



The instructions were changed as the supply of coal was running low.  Just say what you are walking to.

It was my turn.

I said it loud, I said it proud.  No ghost today.

"My name is Ross Kinney and I am walking towards a life of  risking my significance and a world without blood cancer."

And I was off.  I hugged the volunteer at the end of the walk and wiped my feet off on the cool moss to keep my feet from burning.  It was over.  I had walked on fire.  What else is possible?

Inspiration for walking on fire and other things in life!
So many times in my life it was Kelly who inspired me to do things I never thought I could, whether it was running a marathon or doing something really scary like talking in front of a room full of people.

And now I have this wonderful opportunity to do something great with Cassandra, be inspired, play full out as we walk towards a world without cancer together for Kelly, for Laiken, for so many.

I turned back in time to watch my wife Sue walk to leave her something behind and to walk towards what she wants to create in her life.

I told her later that the fire walk for me was easy.  It was the exercise the day before that was so much harder for me.  Sharing my voice, being playful, dancing.   That  is the dragon totally stops me, takes me off  the court.

Sue asked me, "What if sharing your voice, being playful and silly and dancing is what the world really needs?"  "What if that is the one thing you need to do for the world  What if that makes the difference?"

I hate it when she asks me questions like that...

I told her the what I am done with that I didn't get to say before the fire walk.  "I am done playing small."

Am I done?  Am I done playing small?  Am I ready to risk my significance?  We'll see, we'll see...

Monday, March 19, 2012

Man and Woman of the Year Kickoff for LLS

The Man and Woman of the Year campaign for The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society kicked off officially om March 12, 2012.

There was a kickoff celebration last Friday for all of the candidates, their campaign teams.  The candidates also got a chance to meet the Boy and Girl of the Year that they are fundraising for.

Cassandra put together a very nice video of the reception which you can watch by clicking here. 

The Rocky Mountain Chapter has a record number of candidates that are running this year.  It was an emotional evening for me as it was one day before the 4th anniversary of Kelly's passing.

I am incredibly grateful to all of the candidates that are devoting their time and talents to make a difference in this fight against cancer.



Most of all, I am so honored and grateful to Cassandra for being a voice in this fight, standing for the possibility of a world without cancer,



Taylor gives Cassandra some ballet tips!

Ballet position #5 with taylor Jones ♥, you are never to old to learn ballet! 


Let's Rock this!


Saturday, March 17, 2012

It will be a love story

Kelly passed away four years ago today on March 17, 2008

Kelly battled her Leukemia for almost 12 years and her spirit was so much stronger than her cancer.  She changed my life in so many way.  She was 10 years old when I first began running for her, and her courage, who she was changed my life.

 It will be a love story, and she will be my heroine for all time, and her name will be Kelly....
Kelly with her beloved puppy Abby
I had the honor to contribute this piece to Maya Stein's anthology, Lost Highway and Living Rooms.

Last Hours 

The phone rang on Friday Your Dad calling me to tell me you had taken a turn for the worse; your kidneys were starting to shut down. The end was near. Were you afraid? You had fought for so long, so hard to get home, to be surrounded by your family and friends. I did not know what else to do as I waited so I ran.

I waited for the phone to ring again, dreading the final call. I ran a race on Sunday morning, crying through the first two miles. That was not how I wanted to honor your life so I raced the final two miles. I am your runner so I ran, with my head high. I saw a friend after the race; I wanted to fall in her arms for comfort. She knew what you meant to me.

I spent the afternoon at the park with my kids and my great nephew, circle of life. The phone rang at 5:30 Monday morning. I knew it was your Dad calling. You were gone, finally free from your cancer. I pulled the car over and cried. I tried to go to work for a while. I left work and went running. I am your runner. What else was there to do?

A dear friend of mine, Cassandra Perkins shares a birthday with Kelly and she is fighting for what was important to Kelly.  A world without cancer, a world of faith, hope and love....Fighting for Jack and Taylor. 

Cassandra with Jack, 2012 Boy of the Year

Cassandra with Taylor, 2012 Girl of the Year
If you would like to make a donation to support Cassandra efforts to raise money for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and honor Kelly's life please click the link here. 

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Endings

Write about endings.

Interpret that prompt however you would like.

That is the homework from a couple of days ago.  I am not writing at all about what I thought I would and this has sat in my drafts folder.  When I started this writing classes, one of my commitments was to write and publish and not judge whether it was good or not.



I was involved in a hit and run over six months ago.  The person that rear ended my car, thought about it for a minute and decided to drive away.  My car was totaled and tomorrow at some point a tow truck driver will come and pick up my car and drive away with years of memories. 

Laura and Adam both learned how to drive in my car.  They preferred the Chevrolet Malibu to Sue's car. 

There were three road trips to Cut Bank, Montana in the Malibu.  

A trip in March 2006 with Adam, for Kelly's prom in her junior year.  What a trip that was and so many precious memories.   My profile picture on Facebook, Twitter and this blog is from that trip.  Nine months later Kelly's  cancer returned. 

A trip with Laura in 2007 for Kelly's high school graduation.  A day filled with so much emotion as we watched Kelly walk with her class and receive her diploma. 

A final trip to Cut Bank in March 2008 with the Sue, Laura and Adam to lay Kelly to rest. 

Maybe I am writing about my car because it is easier then it would be to write about other endings. 


Friday, February 24, 2012

Kelly and Abby

One of Kelly's sister's(Molly) posted this picture of Kelly with her dog Abby on Facebook tonight. 

It is a wonderful picture of Kelly.  It made me happy and sad at the same time. 

I love her smile and she was always smiling. 


Smile on pretty girl!


Monday, February 20, 2012

Say Yes!

This weeks writing class is about igniting our passion.

I love this reading from Andrea Gibson.  Watch her come alive.  Very powerful.

So here is to saying YES to life.

Saying yes to life like Kelly did.  Choosing the life you have.

Saying yes to making a difference to somebody, somewhere in the world as Cassie is doing in her life every day.

"never go a second hushing the percussion of your heart
play loud."~Andrea Gibson


How are you saying yes to your life?  What will you do to play loud?


Say Yes by Andrea Gibson
when two violins are placed in a room
if a chord on one violin is struck
the other violin will sound the note
if this is your definition of hope
this is for you
the ones who know how powerful we are
who know we can sound the music in the people around us
simply by playing our own strings
for the ones who sing life into broken wings
open their chests and offer their breath
as wind on a still day when nothing seems to be moving
spare those intent on proving god is dead
for you when your fingers are red
from clutching your heart
so it will beat faster
for the time you mastered the art of giving yourself for the sake of someone else
for the ones who have felt what it is to crush the lies
and lift truth so high the steeples bow to the sky
this is for you
this is also for the people who wake early to watch flowers bloom
who notice the moon at noon on a day when the world
has slapped them in the face with its lack of light
for the mothers who feed their children first
and thirst for nothing when they’re full
this is for women
and for the men who taught me only women bleed with the moon
but there are men who cry when women bleed
men who bleed from women’s wounds
and this is for that moon
on the nights she seems hung by a noose
for the people who cut her loose
and for the people still waiting for the rope to burn
about to learn they have scissors in their hands
this is for the man who showed me
the hardest thing about having nothing
is having nothing to give
who said the only reason to live is to give ourselves away
so this is for the day we’ll quit or jobs and work for something real
we’ll feel for sunshine in the shadows
look for sunrays in the shade
this is for the people who rattle the cage that slave wage built
and for the ones who didn’t know the filth until tonight
but right now are beginning songs that sound something like
people turning their porch lights on and calling the homeless back home
this is for all the shit we own
and for the day we’ll learn how much we have
when we learn to give that shit away
this is for doubt becoming faith
for falling from grace and climbing back up
for trading our silver platters for something that matters
like the gold that shines from our hands when we hold each other
this is for the grandmother who walked a thousand miles on broken glass
to find that single patch of grass to plant a family tree
where the fruit would grow to laugh
for the ones who know the math of war
has always been subtraction
so they live like an action of addition
for you when you give like every star is wishing on you
and for the people still wishing on stars
this is for you too
this is for the times you went through hell so someone else wouldn’t have to
for the time you taught a 14 year old girl she was powerful
this is for the time you taught a 14 year old boy he was beautiful
for the radical anarchist asking a republican to dance
cause what’s the chance of everyone moving from right to left
if the only moves they see are NBC and CBS
this is for the no becoming yes
for scars becoming breath
for saying i love you to people who will never say it to us
for scraping away the rust and remembering how to shine
for the dime you gave away when you didn’t have a penny
for the many beautiful things we do
for every song we’ve ever sung
for refusing to believe in miracles
because miracles are the impossible coming true
and everything is possible
this is for the possibility that guides us
and for the possibilities still waiting to sing
and spread their wings inside us
cause tonight saturn is on his knees
proposing with all of his ten thousand rings
that whatever song we’ve been singing we sing even more
the world needs us right now more than it ever has before
pull all your strings
play every chord
if you’re writing letters to the prisoners
start tearing down the bars
if you’re handing our flashlights in the dark
start handing our stars
never go a second hushing the percussion of your heart
play loud
play like you know the clouds have left too many people cold and broken
and you’re their last chance for sun
play like there’s no time for hoping brighter days will come
play like the apocalypse is only 4…3…2
but you have a drum in your chest that could save us
you have a song like a breath that could raise us
like the sunrise into a dark sky that cries to be blue
play like you know we won’t survive if you don’t
but we will if you do
play like saturn is on his knees
proposing with all of his ten thousand rings
that we give every single breath
this is for saying–yes
this is for saying–yes

Thursday, February 9, 2012

When in doubt, love

Dear Kelly,

Four years have passed since the last time I saw you, four years from the last time I hugged you.

I posted my memories of that day here.  I am so glad that I wrote about our time together that day.  It is a treasured memory like so many others I have about you.  Tucked safely away in my heart.

I think often about not only how you lived the last 37 days of your life, but how you lived your life.


.Many times you had to face your doubts as your cancer returned.  Such a persistent cancer.  I am sure you had to have doubts, how can this happen again?   How can I move forward, how do I live my life?

And I watched you choose love above your doubts.  You chose your life,cherished your time with your family and friends.

Through any doubts, throughout your cancer journey,throughout your life, you chose love.

Wow, wow and WOW!

Did I tell you that I wrote an article about you for a book?  It has been published.  A copy of the book came  last night.  It is a story about us.

I am working with a young woman who is running as a woman of the year candidate for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.  I am sure you would love Cassie.  She is a lot like you.  She has a kind and loving heart, she is courageous, she is a Denver Bronco fan.  Cassie shares a birthday with you.  She is fighting for a world without cancer, standing for your life.

I love you Kelly.  I am forever grateful for the gift of your life and for the gentle nudges you still send me to remind me of your love.

There are many things of that I am not sure of in my life.  The one thing I never doubt is who you are to me in the world.

Love.

No doubt!