Monday, June 16, 2008

Missing Kelly

Today I find myself feeling very sad, missing Kelly so very much.

I don't know if it is because I have been involved in a lot events recently with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and that has heightened some of the feelings I have been repressing, perhaps it is because it has been almost three months now since Kelly's passing.

For whatever reason, I find myself missing her so much right now. My heart aches and I don't know what to do.

My relationship with Kelly was never dependent on being able to see her. We lived so far apart, yet she was always so close to me in my head. Anytime I wanted so spend some time with her, all I had to do was go for a run and the distance that separated us would be gone. I could always count on her to be my running partner and off we would go together.

Now I find myself needing to run with my MP3 player, I can't run alone with my thoughts, afraid of where that will lead me. I feel like a child needing to sleep with the light on now. I can't run without that distraction. I keep trying to leave my MP3 player in the car, yet I always reach for it at the last minute. I tell myself, next time, but when the next time comes I can't run without it.

I don't want to stop missing her, but I don't want to be afraid and need the night light on when I run.


  1. ross
    we too are missing kelly so much these days. i think the sorrow is just sinking in, sinking as if a heavy weight in my heart. what a presence she had! such a vital, verbal, active and alive part of our family and now we are adjusting......floundering at times - she was such a social planner for all of us.
    molly now has to go to sleep with the TV on - muted but needs the lights and comfort of Disney channel. Rose has trouble going to sleep, plugs in her music and waits for sleep to come. i sometimes go to bed just exhausted but feel totally awake as soon as my head hits the pillow. at least, replays of Kelly's last hours are not filling my thoughts as much. but still, the memories i do have are only of the difficult last year. others who are mourning their kids have said this will pass someday and all the amazing wonderful sweet memories will come to the forefront and the difficult pain-filled ones will fade back - not leave but fade to the background.
    feel so much better when i walk or do some weight training - just started with that knowing it is good for someone my age. just need to get back in the habit of walking or training each day and it will help i know.
    don and i are celebrating our 21st anniversary today. how grateful i am for such an amazing guy to share this journey with. he is the best......what a gift he is to me.
    well, maybe since i actually got a turn on the computer i should update my blog. what a novel idea!!!
    love to you all - hope you're having a great summer.

  2. I know how you feel Ross... it seems like you need a crutch through these hard times. I know that just sitting down and listening to music has been one for me. And sometimes I feel so weak because I just can't go on and get over it... but then I realize that I don't want to get over it. This will be apart of my life forever and I just need to accept that. So, I turn on my music and it helps. Anyway, I know that's not very "deep", but it's the best I've got right now. Love, Molly